They Undress Together

[B greets PIMSS over-animatedly, ending with a passionate kiss]

Weezer: Is kissing girls a cheerleading thing?

C: No, it’s just a lesbian thing.

Scaring the Homosexuals

[ in a women’s clothing store, trying to find a specific shirt ]

J: Excuse me, do you know when the next shipment of this shirt will be in, and if it’ll will be in a salmon color?

Cashier: Salmon? Why do you want it in salmon?

J: Oh, because I want to walk around wearing shirts in a color that reminds me of female genitalia.

Cashier: [re-assesses his life, realizes retail probably isn’t for him, and runs into the back room in tears]

Now, This Is Friendship

NTal: You get to see the new tatoo, it looks really good.
K: Well, I’d be worried if it didn’t turn out well.
NTal: The girl wanted to punch me, I was so picky about it.
K: Seriously?
Ntal: Yeah, I didn’t want any of the scripts in the book, and I didn’t like the ones she had printed out for me either,  so I wanted them to draw it.
K: Snap.
NTal: It hurt so bad, though. Oh my god.
K: You’re a baby!
NTal: Oh hell no, this was bad. Even you would be squirming!
K: Me? Come on. I’ve got the ‘betes.
NTal: Ha. I know, but even you would have thought this hurt.
K: So what did you get tatooed, your labia?
NTal: No, my inner right ankle.
K: Oh. Probably less painful than your cootch, but still sensitive.
NTal: Yes. But I didn’t realize this.
K: So what did you get, my name?
NTal: Yeah, I got “K” tatooed on my ankle.
K: That’s HOT.
NTal: I know. I knew you’d like it. I wanted it to be a suprise.
K: Yeah, yeah.
NTal: No, actually… I got the word “Hope”, I thought it was fitting.
K: AND IT’S MY MIDDLE NAME! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. You’re so in love with me.
NTal: Oh, God.
K: I’m just going to reitterate: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
NTal: This is rediculous.
K: Yes. Yes you are.

God’s Joke

K: Hey! My eyes are so green this morn . . . damnit. No, they’re still the color that nobody likes.

Going to a Better Place

Curly : So what are the chances of, over the summer, all of the Humanities professors passing away?

[ resounding confusion ]

Curly : I mean, they would all be in heaven for eternity… They’d be in a better place.

Poppycock

C : What do Andy Warhol and I have in common?

 [ long, considerate pause ]

C : We both love the cock!

Judgment Call

J: I like dancing on the wall; the wall doesn’t judge me.

Wishing and Hoping

J: I wish I was there when I said that.

Extreme Dislike

(upon hearing someone’s name)

K: She should have been aborted.

Those Better Be Some Good Pies

Criss : My mother wants me to marry into the Amish faith so that I can learn how to make pies…

[blank stares of extreme dismay]

Fun Times?

Weezer: So, Bottles was re-arranging his furnature at 3 a.m. this morning.

[pause]

I was eating grapes and spitting them across the hall into his room.

Oh, The History of Marriage

Tiny: When I used to write notes to my wife before we were married, I always used to start it with the phrase, “to the one who has my spare rib”.

 What? You know, Adam and Eve? Don’t laugh!

Pride and Prejudice

Humanities Team : We’re called “Wealthy Men In Search Of Women – Not Necessarily To Marry, But We Like To Have A Good Time”.

Huh??

(Filling out an application)

C: Home phone, ok.  Bus phone. Bus phone, what the hell?  Oh, bussiness phone.

Bad Visuals

(Talking about someone playing with her ID)

B: Yeah, he like put it in, took it out and played with it, put it back in . . .

C: I hope you’re still talking about your ID

Half and Half

(Talking about her french vanilla cappuccino)

B: Yeah, it’s better mixed; like me.

Stumbling Block

Weezer: I mean why does she keep talking to me? She knows I like her, and she’s dating somebody, yet, she continues to talk to me.

B: Maybe you are her stumbling block.

Weezer: Good! I hope she trips the fuck over and breaks her damn leg.

Hypochondria at it’s Finest

[ discussing one of her many doctor’s office visits ]

C: My chief complaint was leukemia.

She Likes it From Behind

Weezer: You know why they have tramp stamps?

B: Because they’re tramps?

Weezer: So that you have something to look at while you are doing her.

The Black Ranger: Because clearly you are doing her from behind.

Weezer: Eew. ANAL.

B: Umm. You can do it from the back without it being anal.

Weezer: (blank stare of confusion.)

Suicide Underground

B: Look less like you want to drink bleach.

K: (blank stare)