[in chapel, towards the end of a sexual promiscuity talk]
Brenda: Here’s some advice from a middle-aged Reformed Presbyterian housewife and ex-whore.
Monthly Archives: January 2007
One Cold Day
Kent: It is so cold out.
C: You aren’t wearing a skirt.
Kent: Yeah, well I spiked my hair.
Touchy Feely
[J pokes K in the ribs]
K: QUIT TOUCHING ME!
[K accosts J’s face]
J: DON’T TOUCH MY EYES, IT’S THE ADHD, I CAN’T HANDLE IT! ADHD IS THE BEST DISEASE IN THE WORLD!
Noodle Lovin’
Lo: What should I get my boyfriend for valentine’s day?
K: Ramen noodles? You could get the red ones . . .
[awkward pause]
B: Yeah! And there’s the pink ones, aren’t they shrimp?
K: You could make a bouquet of noodles! Delicious. Perhaps even attatch a card offering to cook them for him? Oooooh.
Lo: I just want flowers. Who wouldn’t want flowers?
K: Me. They’re expensive and they die. That’s plain depressing.
B: WE’RE expensive, and WE die!
[awkward pause]
K: You should just get him a book of mad-libs, and fill them out for him with dirty phrases.
Lo: But what would it say?
B: “And Sally went … mmmm, right there. ”
K: I hate valentine’s day. Well, I hate any holiday that makes you do something you wouldn’t otherwise do. Like, Halloween you go eat candy from strangers. Easter, you have to love God. Vallentine’s day, you have to get all cutsie with your boyfriend.
Hypochondria
C: I think I need to see a nephrologist.
K: I get to see an ID doctor, isn’t that great?
P: I’d go and tell him to look at my vagina.
Of Mice and MS
[reading Yahoo! Health News]
C: Scientists just developed a pill that cures MS in mice!
B: Oh my god, why don’t they just kill them?! THEY’RE FREAKING MICE!
[awkward silence]
C: I’m pretty sure the scientists INJECT them with MS so that they can test cures, Bethany. I somehow doubt they’re the scientists PETS.
Hoodrat
[in bible lecture]
Professor: The bible is geographicaly accurate today, because maps that existed while the bible was being written include things tht still exist.
B: Clearly, Jesus Christ was born in Beaver Falls.
[pause]
C: Jesus was a crack baby?
Posted in B, Bible Notes, C, Other
Seize-fest 2007
[K is freezing, shivers]
C: Was that a seizure?
K: If it was, would you hold my toungue?
C: That’s tough. If I say “no”, you die. If I say “yes”, I’m a lesbian.
What’s the Status?
K: I was not abrest of the situation.
B: I was well aware of your lack of breast. Well, ha. Not really. But I did know that you didn’t know.
McHell
[whispered]
K: He looks absolutely terrible!
B: He looks like McHell? like, a McGriddle? Like he’s a cheap enough to get at McDonald’s? I can just hear him ask if I want fries with that.
Observations
C: Have you seen his roomate at Kairetta? He get’s so into it, it’s like he’s at Mecca!
[asked what the correct spelling of Kairetta was]
C: It’s french. Or hebrew. I don’t know.
Posted in C
Watt does Seinfeld
[bible lecture]
Professor: I mean, what’s the deal with Jews? They’re everywhere!
Posted in Bible Notes, Other
Aghast.
[K is making awkward conversation in bible lecture]
B: K! We’re talking about GOD.
K: No, we’re talking about ROME. They had orgies!
Posted in B, B and K, Bible Notes, K
Playboy.
[In K’s bible notes]
J: Jesus was a hottie with a body, he tapped it all!
Posted in Bible Notes, J, K
2007 Years Late.
[ 8:00 am, pre bible lecture]
B: I’m feeling so nauseous. I think I may vomit everything I just ate.
K: Could it be . . . morning sickness?
B: If I’m pregnant, it must be with the Christ-Child, because I’m not getting ANY! Virgin birth! Move over, Mary.
Posted in B and K, Bible Notes
How J Got Banned from Tech Services
[J goes to tech services and explains that she had taken the battery out of her laptop while it was still running, and asks for them to re-set everything so her programs will work.]
Tech Service Guy: Yeah, when you take the battery out, it reboots the whole system. We’re going to have to take your computer and set up your wireless account again.
J: I know, that’s why I brought it to you, asshole.
[awkward pause]
J: … yeah, that’s right. I said “asshole”.
Posted in J
Colloquial 